You can't special order awesome
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
