its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
