My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
