My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
