There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
