It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
