college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
