nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
