I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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