Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
