If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
