Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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