I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
