Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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