Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
