peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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