Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
