I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
