And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
