dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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