I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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