I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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