Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
