Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
