I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
