dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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