I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
