My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
