A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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