mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
pop tarts are not kleenex
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
