why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
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