I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
it hurts more in the daytime
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
