You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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