My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
