What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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