If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
