I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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