I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
