last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
