11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
