when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
