i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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