dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
