Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
