I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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