i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
