This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
