I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
