My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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