I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
